Advice from a Wild Turkey

Thanksgiving is upon us and the Martha Stewarts of the world are back to tell us how to have a delicious, gracious holiday.

All of it is useless crap, folks. 

I’m going to clue you in to the REAL Thanksgiving tips you need to know.  The last one is my secret go-to, sure-fire, undetectable tactic for avoiding awful relatives.

Frozen Solid

Your turkey is an explosive device.  TL;DR: don’t put a frozen turkey in boiling oil.  

Wonder why?  This chemist explains.

Fried  Toes

This one comes from personal experience.  A few years ago, my uncle – a dead ringer for Guy Fieri with the same sense of humor – did his first deep fried turkey out on the back patio. 

Once the oil was boiling, he dropped the bird.

He forgot about fluid displacement.  

There was just too much oil and too much bird.  The excess hot oil splashed onto his bare, flip flopped feet.  He suffered painful burns.  Since the “boilover incident,” all turkeys are now oven roasted.

The turkey, however, was the best we’d ever had.  He’d injected it with seasoned butter and fried it in peanut oil, and that’s a recipe worth sharing.

Drop that Drumstick

Turkeys don’t….well, I’ll let Les and Mr. Carlson tell you:

Kids’ Table

Whether you celebrate Turkey Day or not, I hope you find a way to make this a Day of Gratitude. Even if you have to sit next to the worst relative at the table, there is always something to be grateful for. 

Here’s how to avoid that relative – I’ve been doing this for years and no one has caught on yet:

The kids’ table is always the most fun – and you’re never too old for the kids’ table.

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

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